I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
the night ended with taco bell and tears
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
