Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
