anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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