I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
