I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
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