Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
