I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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