I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
