pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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