I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
