can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Randomize
