Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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