you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
