I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
i was born a porn star she said
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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