i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
