Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
