Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
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