So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Randomize
