hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Randomize
