Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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