were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
