I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
