Small penises have feelings too.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
