There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Randomize
