First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
