please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Randomize
