mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
