Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I can text with my tongue
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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