did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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