Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
