You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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