I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
