Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
