I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
