There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
This toilet bowl is my home.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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