Old men and throwing up are my life now.
well you can't waste a boner
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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