I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I am available for nakedness
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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