I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
