Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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