whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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