Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
and you fell through a lawn chair
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
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