hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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