people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
