if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
