Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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