you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
you have to choose: penises or morals?
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
