Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
