i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
