they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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