How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
