what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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