I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
